AAF23When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

Written By: Kitten - Feb• 01•13

I try to20130201-212659.jpg be strong and put on a smile. I try not to show my fear. I tell my loved ones I’m fine. But the truth is, I’m scared to death. I’m scared it will take me a long time to find another job. I’m scared of having my utilities cut off. I’m scared of not having food in the house to feed my son. Im scared of not having gas in the car or money to put gas in the car. I have the love of my friends and family. But love doesn’t put food on the table or gas in the car. I have been broke and penniless so many times. I have had to rob Peter to pay Paul. I hate that. I hate worrying constantly. That is a big cause of my weight issues. I get scared, I eat. I worry, I eat I’m depressed, I eat. Even now, I find myself snacking before I even realize it. Like an addict reaches for their next fix. But the problem is, my addiction is legal and I can buy it anywhere. I feel a lot of the same thoughts and feelings coming back the last time I lost my job. I’m scared. I know I’m not alone. I’m not going thru this alone either. But it doesn’t calm my fear. My mind thinks too much. I havent done one thing I did the last time. I haven’t picked up the bottle and try to drown my fears. I promised my baby I would never do that again. It is hard. Very hard not to. I have some I the fridge, sometimes I will open the fridge and just look at the bottles. And then close the door and walk away. But food is another story. But I gotta be strong.

There is a big difference in this time and last time. Last time I was basically alone with absolutely no support at all. I saw no way out. I was stuck. But now I have so much support. Besides my friends and family, I have my first and last love by my side. He helps direct me to do what I need to do. He reminds me when I need to pay certain things and helps me save what money I do have. He has been there for me for the past two years. He was by my side when I had surgery. He comforts me when I cry. He makes me face reality head on. I would truly be lost without him.

I just have to take a deep breath and keep moving. (1953)

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